The silent grief has become unbearable.

The pain of infertility is a feeling impossible to describe. It’s sitting in the doctor’s office anxiously awaiting an explanation. It’s walking out, fighting back tears as strangers stare. It’s crying on the bathroom floor; still unsure what you’re crying for. A feeling of loss, dysfunction, and failure all wrapped up in one. A package you never asked for. You spent month after month trying. You endured every cycle of hope and despair. Now everyone around you is pregnant, and you feel left behind. How could you not be happy for your friend’s announcement? You wonder what it says about you. You’ve tried everything there is to try, read all the books on fertility, saw doctor after doctor. There’s a feeling of emptiness inside and it’s not leaving anytime soon.

I’m pregnant and/or had a child. Why do I still feel this way?

You thought your worries and anxieties would wash away the second you received some good news. So you were surprised when you were hit by yet another wave of depression. You wanted this pregnancy, you fought hard to get here. It was emotionally exhausting, expensive, and it tested many relationships in your life. Fertility treatments were no joke. You endured multiple rounds of IUI and IVF to get here. Spent many nights feeling downright defeated. But now you’re here. And your fears have transformed from “can I do this?” to “will this last?”, but you feel like you have no one to talk to. You’re in this space of in-between. Too pregnant for your infertile community, but you also know that other pregnant people just won’t get it either.

Is this really grief?

When people think of grief, typically the death of a loved one comes to mind. The truth is, grief encompasses so much more. You can experience grief through the loss of a dream, plans for the future, or a life-altering diagnosis— just to name a few. Wondering why you keep hearing, “Why don’t you just adopt”? Surprised that you’re auntie told you, “You still have time, cheer up”? Infertility is a type of disenfranchised grief— a grief or loss that is not recognized by society. This is why you may feel less validated and why you may have trouble receiving support.